To Love and to Lose
It's strange how much can change in one short week. Last weekend was filled with joy, laughter, and the prospect of adding to our family by one. Seven short days later and all of that is gone. Now we are mourning the loss of a baby who may have only been given to us for a short time, but was surely already loved.
It's amazing how much planning and dreaming you can do for a baby in just a week. We had talked about our favorite boy and girl names. I had started thinking about what it would look like to be a mom of two. Would I transition well? Would Urijah transition well into being a sibling? I thought about all the things we would need to accomplish and get in order over the course of the next 8 months. And I was ready to tackle it all because we were going to be getting the baby we had been praying for.
I think I knew from the moment that the very faint line showed up on the pregnancy test on Saturday that something was wrong, but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted this baby and I was going to hold onto it until I had a real reason not to. I had our family Christmas ornament made and had "baby" written on it. I got an "expecting #2" ornament. I was so excited.
I was able to contain my excitement enough to wait and tell Adrian until Sunday. We were having family pictures taken and I thought it would be so amazing to tell him while we were getting our pictures taken. It went perfectly! I put Urijah in a button up and halfway through I told him I wanted to do an outfit change. I started unbuttoning Urijah's shirt to reveal a big brother shirt. Adrian was so excited and had the perfect reaction. He was so excited.
I will always cherish these pictures because while we may never get to hold this baby, they show how excited we were. They show our love for each other and for our family. They commemorate the baby God gave us, no matter how short of a time it was.
It's a strange feeling to take a pregnancy test a week after taking one and getting a positive outcome and getting a negative one. I think I knew before I took test that our baby was gone. I had no signs of being pregnant, and while I had an easy pregnancy with Urijah something just didn't feel right. Telling Adrian that I was no longer pregnant is something I hope I never have to do again. Having to say those words out loud hurts, it makes it reality. A reality that I don't want or understand.
Over the course of a week we have celebrated life and we have mourned life. "The Lord gives, and He takes away." And while I don't understand right now why he chose to take this life away I know there is a reason. I know He has a plan beyond what I can see right now, and I will keep my trust in him.
It's amazing how much planning and dreaming you can do for a baby in just a week. We had talked about our favorite boy and girl names. I had started thinking about what it would look like to be a mom of two. Would I transition well? Would Urijah transition well into being a sibling? I thought about all the things we would need to accomplish and get in order over the course of the next 8 months. And I was ready to tackle it all because we were going to be getting the baby we had been praying for.
I think I knew from the moment that the very faint line showed up on the pregnancy test on Saturday that something was wrong, but I didn't want to believe it. I wanted this baby and I was going to hold onto it until I had a real reason not to. I had our family Christmas ornament made and had "baby" written on it. I got an "expecting #2" ornament. I was so excited.
I was able to contain my excitement enough to wait and tell Adrian until Sunday. We were having family pictures taken and I thought it would be so amazing to tell him while we were getting our pictures taken. It went perfectly! I put Urijah in a button up and halfway through I told him I wanted to do an outfit change. I started unbuttoning Urijah's shirt to reveal a big brother shirt. Adrian was so excited and had the perfect reaction. He was so excited.
I will always cherish these pictures because while we may never get to hold this baby, they show how excited we were. They show our love for each other and for our family. They commemorate the baby God gave us, no matter how short of a time it was.
It's a strange feeling to take a pregnancy test a week after taking one and getting a positive outcome and getting a negative one. I think I knew before I took test that our baby was gone. I had no signs of being pregnant, and while I had an easy pregnancy with Urijah something just didn't feel right. Telling Adrian that I was no longer pregnant is something I hope I never have to do again. Having to say those words out loud hurts, it makes it reality. A reality that I don't want or understand.
Over the course of a week we have celebrated life and we have mourned life. "The Lord gives, and He takes away." And while I don't understand right now why he chose to take this life away I know there is a reason. I know He has a plan beyond what I can see right now, and I will keep my trust in him.
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